On February 2, I sent an e-mail to myself with the subject line reading: rest in the chaos. It was a statement that I knew I needed, but a concept that I had not yet grasped. Most people are aware that I do not rest often. And i certainly do not rest well. I am constantly filling my life to the brim with work and projects. I often feel guilty if I were to have free time. (Free time must mean that I’m not working hard enough, right?!) Much of my life is spent unaware of how necessary rest is, until I crash into my glorious unraveling.
I heard Melissa Helser speak about living from a place of rest. Such an amazing]] topic right? Who wouldn’t want to live from rest? But even after hearing the words that I needed to hear, I had no idea how to transfer them into my reality. I feel that rest is calling out to me each day, and yet I feel so far from it.
Fast-forward to now.
It’s getting hard to breathe.
It’s so common to hear someone say “the weight of the world is on their shoulders.” But generally it isn’t literal. Well, I physically feel like something is crushing me from all sides, and as if I could burst at any given moment.
Maybe that is exactly what I need.
If I allow myself to break, I know God would graciously pick up the pieces. Standing in the midst of all this pressure, I have to ask myself, why am I resisting it? To prove my own strength? What if I’m really just resisting God’s open invitation to allow myself to be weak, so that He can show his all-powerful strength?
My whole life I have taught myself that strength was a requirement. But there is something that seams so remarkable about being weak. If I embrace my weakness, I will lose the burdens that I placed on myself that are not mine to carry. The burdens of achievement, success, perfection, & performance. Oh, and plenty more. If I allow myself to be broken, maybe then I’ll be able to walk in the freedom that has already been set aside for me.
Sometimes I think that I’m running a marathon beside Jesus – who is in a chariot – waiting for me to jump in and ride. I must learn what work is mine to do. And which is the Father’s to handle.
I’ve always thought that resting was weak. But when your external circumstances aren’t changing, all that you can change is yourself.
My life is chaos. But I think my problem is in my view of weakness. The rest that I seek is within the acceptance of my own weakness. Not in the summoning of my strength.